Hello my dear friends and fan-mily,
I am going to try to keep this as short as possible (so as to not bore you into a state of mental paralysis), and as serious as possible. I will not cheapen the important issues I must address with feeble attempts at self deprecating humor, as history might suggest I would.
I am not a monster. I have grown and matured over this time of self reflection. So sit back and watch me be all "real and vulnerable" and not "hiding my feelings" behind "dumb jokes". And yes, I do know how to "properly use quotation marks", thank you for asking. No, really. Thank you.
As I presume you may have noticed by now, I elected to take a step back from my online presence. I found that in my attempt to bring joy to others, I was neglecting my own needs. Like sleep and skin care, as I am sure you will probably tell in my next video, from my cold dead eyes, and a face that more closely resembles an avocado you forgot about in the back of your fridge, than it does a human girl. This is not funny, I implore you to take this very seriously.
I have a habit of drowning out my own anxiety and sadness, by focusing all my attention on how I can help others. You know, all healthy choices. Just trying to be a good role model. As all contributing members of society should strive to be. And you know what all the professionals say, ignore the problem long enough, and it will inevitably go 'away'. So, I have devoted my life to the humble act of emotional repression.
*>soft pondering face, an interrupting thought<*
I find it a curious coincidence that repression rhymes with depression.
Anyways, I am the walking epitome of why you are supposed to "put your own mask on first". Or "don't try to breathe under water"
*>rolls eyes/shrug<*
Despite being a quick study, I am stubborn. Very stubborn. I can observe how my attempts to not disappoint ANYONE, has led to me be constantly disappointing myself. Which is the one person I should be most concerned with making proud. I mean, y'all cool n shit, but I'm the only person I actually have to live with and spend all my time around. So no offence, but fuck yo needs, mamas gon look after herself from now on. Man, that was eloquently put. I am impressed with myself. As I am sure you are.
I took a whole week devoted to healing, and thinking of all the ways I would take care of myself moving forward...
And came up with absolutely nothing. Just shooting blanks. I had the inspirational equivalent to erectile disfunction. Inspiration disfunction? Like I'm smacking it and shaking it *>mimes whacking at an invisible ween<* but not even a lil wiggle. So I took more time. Some might say, a gross amount of time, staring into the void, contemplating life, swimming in existential crises and dread.
Then on the horizon there was a light. Just a glimmer peaking over the line between the sky and earth. I was filled with hope, until I realized I had spent another sleepless night and it was just the sun rising. So I got up and went to another counselling appointment, where I was told in the softest manner a psychologist could have even tried to say "you are bad at life, do better."
So I am. It was actually very comforting to know I wasn't the only one that saw my habits as, well, stupid.
So in conclusion, I'm back bitches.
Please be patient with me as I try to catch up on all the tip messages and things that I have fallen MILES behind with. I shall not even attempt to be perfect or even good at my job anymore lol I am a flawed and I am embracing that. Hope you can too. DUCES!
So I finally finished editing this. Let’s not talk about how late this is. Somehow I cut over an hour of filming down to four minutes. How? You might ask. Magic. Slut magic. *>throws handful of glitter at you<*
Hey. Here’s a gif of me as a trampire (hoe vampire) the edge of my nip slipped a bit (the rhymes just made me hard) but feck it. It is the way of the matador’s.
*>In a super bad English accent<* Mucho gusto. Hasta luego. El banano se pierde. Jajajajaja
Xoxo,
Abadia
Yes I am learning a lot from my Spanish book. Thank you for asking.
So I don’t know if you noticed. But I dipped for a hot minute. Basically long story made short. Even though I come across as supes happy all the time, I’m actually always in this battle with (sometimes crippling) depression and feelings of guilt/worthlessness. Stupid. I know. What a fuggin idiot. Amiright?! I’m right. Don’t answer that.
It’s just my sparkling personality, amazing sense of humour, and addiction to making others happy that spills into the stuff I do here. It makes me seem like this pillar of mental health and positivity. But unfortunately I pick up pressure and carry the weight of stuff that I need to learn how to let go of. And whenever this has happened in the past, I’ve always apologized and felt so guilty about leaving you guys and not being the little bright light on the interwebbing machine that I strive to be. SO HEAR ME OUT! Bite the pillow, I’m going in dry bahahahaha sorry no not really. Anyways. I’m not apologizing or feeling guilty this time (look how we have all grown. I feel like I’m setting such a positive example. Would I call myself jesus? No (thank you for asking) but I can see how others might see me that way) I’m trying to change my patterns and learn from my mistakes in the past.
There’s this clinic in Edmonton (it’s fecking ‘spensive cuz it’s privatized and dick me dead, it’s so worth it) but basically their practice specialized with chronic depression, adhd, and anxiety disorders. *>ping ball machine going crazy sounds<* which hits all the marks for this kitty *>exaggerated body wave<* and they have pulled me out of my worst place before and helped me get to my best place. So I started going back there. They do these racemic ketamine treatments which really help me. Which basically sounds like I’m partying with the big boys. But I assure you, it is very clinical and professional. Except the chairs. The chairs are just a laugh riot. Anyways. I’m getting my shit together. Thank you for your patience.
Xoxo,
AA
P.S. look at me advocating for people taking care of their mental health. Gosh. Gee whiz. I really am just a superior human (she says in bed with yesterdays eyeliner smudged all over her face)
P.P.S. Sometimes you just gotta feed ur puppers a hot dog. Really it makes her happy. It makes you happy. We all win.
Doctor, can I have the largest built in life jacket you have?
Some may say I got them for my own enjoyment, but really it's all about the safety #normalizethechoicetofloat #itsnotaboobjobitsalifestyle
If you ever stay at my house. This is my spare bed room. It’s a twin mattress shoved into the corner with a lamp. Hope you enjoy the whole “broke college student” experience.
Goodnight..
Here’s a little sneak peak at what I’m working on. JURASSIC PARKOUR! Good luck with your dreams tonight. May the odds be evah in yo fayvah
KISSES ALL OVER YOUR FACE! 💋 mWAh
AA
When someone asks me if I can juggle… (which happens *literally* all the time)
Unlock to see full 4 second gif with some extra pictures just for fun. 😈
URGENT!!!! EMERGENCY!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyone in the Red Deer area, my shooting location fell through last minute. I'm all dressed up, makeup done, with no where to go. If you know of a potential location that I could shoot that black strappy thing with silver hoops and hardware (I hope you know what outfit I'm talking about, the subtly bdsm style one) With dark eyes and red lipstick. Something that matches that esthetic. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT DOWN BELOW!!!
This is the longest mail day I’ve ever filmed or edited. Holy Hannah this took WAY too long. But it happened. I just get so excited about the presents! Then I get carried away.
I’ve also just in general been bad at my job lately. And I really do apologize. I’m trying. Just like…failing. In general lately. It’s annoying. I will be responding to ALL RENEW ON MESSAGES TOMORROW! And sending a thank you exclusive picture to everyone with it on! So check your inbox tomorrow. I’m really trying to get my shit together. But imagine a person trying to stay standing and walk on a slip and slide. I’m the person. And life is the slip and slide.
Tuesday July 5th
I would say that my life’s been “boring” since my last entry. But that would make me a lying liar with a dumb lying face hole. Or fingers. How ever you like to imagine me creating this diary entry. I’m at your fantasy’s disposal.
Oof that thought got derailed fast. Anyways. There’s been some interesting things that have happened and some not so interesting things. But nothing that’s been ***abbey, write this down because it’s what the people neeeeeeeeeeeed*** level of interesting. Until now.
Hold onto your butt’oleys.
>>>>>>>>warning<<<<<<<<<
Describes piercing, some may consider explicit. Basically. If you think you MIGHT be offended. Plz don’t read ahead. If you want to, and you know you’ll be fine. Go for it. Basically follow your own compass sweet angel face.
3:36 pm - I’m just playing some one person penguin game, like a real champ. Its the one where you jump one penguin to take another off the board. But you have to get down to only 1 penguin on the bored. Basically solitaire version of checkers, but with penguins. If you know. You know. If you don’t. … I dunno. Sorry I guess? Not really though. It’s actually not a very good game. I just happened to be playing because of my general lack of good taste.
3:49 - my sister rolls up. I can tell because of the distinct sound her vehicle makes. It ‘talks shit’ as I like to say. And not in the ‘i need maintenance’ way, in the ‘I’m faster than you’ way. I go to the window to ensure that I am right about the sound.
I’m right
This thought washes over me and I get seconds to prepare before I watch her emerge from her vehicle with oversized sunglasses and a firm determined look on her face. I tried to think optimistic thoughts about what her expression could mean. But I genuinely couldn’t think of a single reason she would be showing up at my house looking like she just read ‘the art of war’.
She knocked on my door confidently, in the same moment I swung the door open.
“Sup?” I look at her apprehensively and bewildered.
She hastily responded “Quick question. I was thinking about piercing my ears. I’m gonna do it. But I didn’t want to go spend thousands of dollars getting them all done how I want them, and you seem to be the type of person that would be…okaaay at doing this?”
Somehow it was a very endearing compliment, yet I left feeling moderately butthurt.
“I mean, I don’t think I’d suck at it. But I also have never had any training. I’ve never*ish* done it before. So my hope is 100% all there. I believe I COULD do an amazing job. But I also can imagine a reality where we end up in the hospital. Covered in cotton pads and blerd. So it’s basically just a toss up at this point” I said.
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.” She extended her hand to shake as though this was a business deal. Which at first I thought was odd. But after the events that transpired. A hand shake to christen our agreement to embark on this venture, only seems fitting. “Plus I already spent over three hundred dollars on piercing supplies.. sooo be at my house it 25?” She said as she casually skipped backwards towards her door. She slug herself into her car and in one fluid motion closed the door at the same time as backing up.
She’s so cool. Like when she does things, you think *’wow… What a cool girl.’* if it sounds like I’m being sarcastic. I’m not.
3:53 - So I guess I should find an actual pair of pants not boxer briefs (shut up they are comfy) and get in my car.
4:37 - I roll up to her house with my car that ‘talks shit’ in the ‘you’ve neglected me and now I am in the sunset of my life’ way.
5:02 - we’ve sanitized everything. set up everything. Marked all the places. Got a game plan. It’s time.
5:03 - aight I gotta stop stalling. “Maybe one shot to calm the nerves” I say to my sister.
“Okay so gin or whiskey?”
“You’re going to make me choose?”
She bops off
5:05 - okay. We’ve done it. The shot is down. The marks are on. I have my exit point planned. I think we’ve got it. I begin to push the needle through firmly. Holy crapes cartilage is tough stuff hey? It’s all the way through the ear and halfway down the needle. I’m basically a god. We get the jewelry lined up with the end of the needle to pull through behind it.
“Can I do the jewelry part?” then she said something about why. But my brain has already started redacting the night, and I forget what the reason was.
She took over which I was all for. It’s her body. I’m just support. Then I hear “shit” muttered under her breath as I simultaneously hear a needle hit the tile floor.
“Umm Kay so I just lost the needle but the earring isn’t through yet.” She informs me.
I feel my chest tighten and my heart rate increase. She seems chill but internally im a panicking wreck.
Did I do something wrong? What do I do now.
I slam a shot of gin.
“Okay what do you want me to do?” I say as I clap my hands together.
“Just push it through” she replies
I only realized how stupid of a question it was after I heard how obvious the answer was.
She moves her hands and I go to step in.
The fronts pretty good, and the earring got through it nice and clean. I walk around and look at the back.
Carnage.
Not really. But I’m being dramatic. Let me have this.
She had got the ring through the front puncture, and the cartilage, but not the exit. And she had just been mashing around trying to find it. It was already SO swollen and inflamed around the area. The exit hole was closed. It was too late. We missed our shot.
I try to explain this to her. Not well, mind you. I had a lot of panicked, indirect, passive suggestions. So in the end she was not so convinced.
“Just try to find it and ram it through. I don’t care. Whatever it takes”
This isn’t going to work. I take a shot of whiskey.
But if anyones gonna make it work. It’s going to me be.
——————
7:23pm - it wasn’t me. I feel like I understand how veterans must feel, when then come home from war. But they didn’t win.
Like **exactly**. No more. No less.
We have raised our white flag and surrendered. I just…. I don’t get… It escalated SO fast. We started coming up with rational ideas on how to do the whole “piercing ear” thing. Then we had some ideas that became gradually less logical and more desperate. By the end we were trying to use the needle to poke in from the back (dont make a joke, I’m not in the mood) and lead the ring out. So we gave up. Frankly, we should have called this one quits much earlier, but here we are. I will never do this again.
8:04pm - we ate supper.
——————
11:01pm - so we have a plan for next time. Vaseline. It’s fool proof. Why didn’t we think of that before?
It’s probably not going to work.
Can’t say we didn’t try. 🤷♀️
Voyeur?! I hardly know her!
The set is finally here. Sorry for the delay guys. I went on a family vacation and ignored the world for a hot minute. It was lovely. Thank you for asking. I am also a bronze goddess now that the closest star licked my skin with UV damage. And if I do say so myself. The star damage looks good on me.
ALSO! THE MOST IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE DECADE! (I am nawt being dramatic, and I don't appreciate the mental accusation that I am)
I am freeing the NEEPHOLES! check your inbox this weekend for the set we have all been waiting for. *>(very skilled)batman voice<* I'm the hero you deserve, but not the one you need right now. So hunt me. Daddy.
Aight now that I have made us ALL uncomfortable, ARIVADERCHAY (spelling? whatever you get the point)
P.S. I will post my diary style storys from this radical week.
P.S.S. I would like to formally request an influx of butt pics. Send me pictures of your butt. Don't care if its in manties (panties for men) or in the nuddy pantalonies (nekked bearbum). Just send me pics. of your butt. plz and thx. Its for science.
P.S.S.S. I will be replying to ALL MESSAGES (starting with ones with tips OBVI) tomorrow. As there is a pile of messages as long as my legs (yes, i know, that is VUR long), I may not get through all of them tomorrow, BUT I will put at least 10 hours in and whatever I don't get done, I will do on Satureggs.
I decided I’m going to start keeping a journal about the notable stuff that happens in my life, and posting it on here. Basically like you are reading my diary. HOPE YOU DONT HATE IT! And if you do, I mean. I get it.
LETS BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND!
11:08am - I am deep cleaning my kitchen, listening to music quite loudly on my Bluetooth speaker.
11:22am - holy Hannah it is HAWT in here. Ugh 🥵 i should open up some windows and the inside door. I’ll just leave the screen door closed (because it’s also slightly covered in vines so semi?ish privacy?ish 🤷♀️ Whatever) Keep cleaning.
11:28am - WOOF! It is still so vur hot in here. There is a mild chance I might perish. I should write my mother a good bye letter, but I don’t know if I have the strength… ANYWAYS. IF I’m being more realistic. I should probably just take my hoodie off.
*>peels hoodie off<*
Oh holy! Totally forgot I wasn’t wearing a shirt, bra, or anything under that. Umm (in a very poorly done shrill british accent) hwell laydeeees it seems you have been let out of the pasture. Don’t wander too faaar.
12:10pm - Hey Ya! By outkast is playing (For full effect , I would play it yourself)
(No don’t worry. I will wait)
K back to the story. SO I’m just scrubbing the back tiles behind my stove top. And let’s just say… I am shaking it like a Polaroid picture. Okay, you get the picture.
12:11pm - “Ummm. Hello?” I hear from a strange voice.
*>I whip to face the source of the voice<*
OH MY GIDDY GODS TROUSERS! HOLY PANTALONIES! Some DHL delivery driver and I lock eyes. His eyes instinctively dart down to the chestnuts. He whips his head 90 degrees to the left, staring into what I can only assume is a void of anxiety. Panic sweeps across his face.
At the same time as him averting his eyes, my hands fly up to cover my New York Titys.
He must have looked in and called because my music was so loud, I wouldn’t have heard a knock. And my dumb doorbell is busted.
“I’m so sorry!” He sputters out
“No oh my god, IM SORRY” I basically yell at him as I run down my hall to go put a shirt on.
I quickly emerge from the hall, with my “relax im hilarious” shirt on (it was the one closest to the bedroom door that was on the floor)
I walk up to the front door. His face still GLUED the direction he turned it to only moments ago.
He tells me “I just have this delivery here that you need to sign for”
Meanwhile his face is ten different shade of red (as i can only presume based on the heat RADIATING from my cheeks, that mine is too) and he is avoiding looking at me, as though the sight of me would start the apocalypse. Which really, it might have. So I get it buddy. I. Get it.
“Oh, um, yeah”
*>I say as I sign one small squiggle with all the speed of a bolt of lighting<*
“Thanks bye!” He says and turns on a dime, briskly walking back to the van.
He starts to climb in, having not glanced at me once since the “incident” (imma call it ‘the incident’ going forward)
I blurt out, “IM REALLY SORRY ABOUT MY BOOBS” before he is fully inside. His whole body tenses up and he hesitates climbing in. Just for a microsecond before hurrying into the drivers seat.
Why the feck did I say that? That was the exact thing I shouldn’t have done. Omgomgomg.
*>panic slams door<* UGH oops I only wanted to close it fast. Now he’s gonna think i was being sarcastic and angry. And he’s already so stressed.
12:13 - Well, cool. I just ruined this delivery drivers afternoon and probably his whole evening.
He peels out as fast as his Kleenex box on wheels can.
—————————-
So today I learned 4 things.
1) Don’t leave your door open with music on too loud to hear a knock.
2) Dont bare titty dance/clean within the line of sight of the front door.
3) Don’t scream an apology at someone if you accidentally flash them. It’s just scary and weird.
4) porn is NOTHING like the real world.
——————————————
Anyways I hope that you learn from this and don’t have to face the same embarrassment that I did today. Or at least that it brought you some form of joy reading about my spiral into acute agony.
BYEEEE 💋
AA
P.S. In other news. I am moving and legally changing my name.
So I had a nightmare last night, that my left (tiddy) implant bottomed out. And by that I mean. Started falling under my skin till I had a bewb like mound on the bottom of my rib cage. I swear to god. I prefer the nightmares where my teeth fall out.
I need to pick one of these, for my raptor shoot out in drumheller! But I need to order it as soon as possible. So please vote on this and help a hoe-me out.
Click the images, the names are under the picture, at the bottom of the screenshot.
Everyone with renew on! Check your messages tomorrow (Thursday) for a bonus bent over pic I took last night while I was taking these. And if you don’t have renew on, you might want to just for fun 😜
I’ll also be replying to all my renew on friends messages on Friday (the day after tomorrow)
And if you like these photos. Say thank you to B, who got these custom photos taken just for him, and was kind enough to allow me to share them with you all.
