Tomorrow I’m going to see my therapist. For the first time i..
Added 2025-03-31 19:50:45 +0000 UTCTomorrow I’m going to see my therapist. For the first time in almost a year.
I’ve been taking my meds for almost two years now. And tomorrow I’ll talk about the results.
Honestly, I feel like a different person now. Really - like a normal human being.
But this “normality” - it scared me the most. I used to worry about global values, social ones.
I just couldn’t internally agree with the “rules” of life. And I was very afraid to just close my eyes to all of that. Because it’s considered normal to live your own life, to focus on yourself - and I didn’t want that. At that time, I called it “shoving my head up my own ass.” And honestly, that’s exactly what it is. My head is now up my ass, trying to make sure it smells nice in there.
And now I say this without anger, unlike two years ago - it’s more of a dry irony now.
I still have so many ingrained beliefs to work through. That’s why, to be honest, I’m not ready yet to stop taking my meds.
Anyway, I’m really curious about what it’ll feel like tomorrow, when I walk into the hospital building where I was treated.
While I was there, I came up with the idea that I’d found my life’s purpose. Which, by the way, is something people need - one big purpose that gives life its meaning. One of the heaviest elements of our lives as individuals.
But now, I can’t say that anymore. That it’s my life’s purpose. And I was writing a book, I actually wrote there - that if I became “normal,” I simply wouldn’t be able to keep writing it. It’s too contradictory now.
That’s how I feel.
I was afraid of becoming normal - because I knew I’d lose the ability to feel those extremes that were such a big part of my inner world.
Music, books, any form of art or ideas.
Now it’s all gone.
