Guys, this post is for readers or those who like to drool ov..

Guys, this post is for readers or those who like to drool over stars. Respect to both, condolences to everyone else. So, I didn’t catch a cold, but Coxsackie virus, and now I have super painful blisters in my throat, on my palms, and on my soles. Two days ago, I went to the cinema to watch Nosferatu 2024 because I’d been really looking forward to it and couldn’t miss the chance to infect the entire audience. I wish I could say I didn’t write a review back then because the blisters made it too painful to type, but really, I was just lazy. But now, after having fast food for breakfast and lying next to my brother’s stinky dog with its rotten-smelling crotch, I’m ready to share my thoughts. And honestly, I don’t regret delaying this.

At first, I thought about softening my tone so as not to offend those who liked the movie, but eventually, I decided they can just go screw themselves and leave my page.

So, here’s the short version: the movie is stupid garbage, dull, mediocre, and draining—but it was still kind of fun to watch, and I don’t regret it.

The plot is classic: an old vampire awakens to fuck a girl, but she lives far away, so he uses her fiancé in a convoluted scheme to get to her location. He brings a plague with him, the girl is scared of him and doesn’t want him, he gives her three days, everyone around her dies, she finally gives in, and then they fuck and both die.

Now, let’s talk about Lily-Rose Depp’s performance as the main character. Oh. My. God. I get that her dad is a rich and famous icon, but this was a disaster. Like, may we rest in peace levels of bad. Honestly, an alcoholic asking for spare change “for food” would’ve delivered a more convincing performance. From what I understand, her character is supposed to be eccentric, melancholic, sickly, and a bit eerie. In reality, she comes off as an over-the-top, attention-seeking hysteric—a typical “pick-me girl” who performs for the spotlight. And that constant head-nodding of hers? It’s unbearable. She appears in the very first scenes, and it’s physically painful to watch her. Every character is flat and dull, but the other actors do a decent job. Lily-Rose, on the other hand, gives off the vibe of some aging director’s mistress being lazily shoehorned into Hollywood. She stands out from the cast in the worst way possible. I haven’t seen her other work, so maybe she’s better elsewhere, but this performance? Absolute catastrophe. Honestly, I could see her perfectly cast as a vapid, promiscuous girl pretending to be a strong, independent femme fatale while jumping on any dick with a pulse and maintaining a close relationship with certain intoxicating substances.

Now for the vampire. I even added pictures of him in my post. Didn’t include other film stills because OnlyFans’ algorithm blocks all faces for some reason. The vampire is played by Bill Skarsgård, and I have one question for the director: why? Why cast an actor with such an intense gaze and uniquely expressive face only to bury him under layers of makeup and film him in complete darkness? Like, you might as well have cast Jar Jar Binks—it’d have been the same effect. In interviews, the cast kept raving about Bill’s “terrifying voice” that apparently scared everyone on set. Excuse me, but that voice sounded like my dad burping after eating fried soup with mayonnaise—plus Darth Vader’s pneumonia-wheezing. That’s not menacing nuance; it’s just gross.

And the vampire’s design? Oh boy. I was expecting a reinterpretation of the 1922 Nosferatu—you know, that slightly awkward and endearing bald vampire. If you Google “Nosferatu 2024,” you’ll find a poster with Bill looking like a modernized version of the old Nosferatu: recognizable, elegant, sinister, mysterious, and aristocratic. Turns out, that’s not the official poster. Nope. What we get in the actual movie is the kind of Nosferatu I sometimes see outside 24-hour stores here in Latvia after dark, reeking of booze and filth.

Guys, it’s a nightmare. He’s dressed in these old, stinking rags—some unwashed heap of fur, coats, and who-knows-what else. He never changes his outfit throughout the movie. He doesn’t get better looking or stronger after drinking 🩸; he’s exactly the same at the end as he was at the start. But the realhorror? He has a mustache. Yes, a mustache. And a Cossack-style topknot. All of it dirty and matted. But those mustaches… oh my God. He drinks 🩸, and it drips down his mustache.

You see, I’m autistic, and before the movie, all my libido was focused on the idea that, in a hyperfixation frenzy, I’d spend the next month wanting to sleep with a hot vampire. But in reality, the portrayal left me deeply frustrated. I know this might sound funny to neurotypical people, but neurodivergent folks will understand—it’s a deeply disheartening feeling, like gathering all your strength for a strike and completely missing.

There are also some secondary characters in the movie, but they’re so unremarkable that they’re not even worth mentioning. I’ve heard some say Willem Dafoe’s character is incredibly charismatic, but in my opinion, he’s just a mediocre “mad researcher,” as bland as the rest of the film. It’s not the actor’s fault—it’s just that the role itself is so empty there’s nothing for him to work with.

The film is steeped in the themes of sex and primal passion, but only verbally. There’s no actual passion between the heroine and the vampire because both of them are utterly unremarkable. Bang two sticks together, and you’d get more chemistry than they have. The profound, spiritual intimacy I was hoping for wasn’t there either—the heroine is absurdly stupid, and the vampire, who calls himself a “force of nature,” basically just shows up to fuck her, and that’s it. He has no backstory, no emotions; he’s unattractive, uninteresting, just a filthy bum.

The movie is visually stunning, but for me, this beauty felt secondary. There are plenty of gorgeous shots where the harmony between objects and characters looks like a painting, but it feels too deliberate —you don’t immerse yourself in the story. Instead, you’re constantly jolted by each aesthetic shot, like pointing a finger and saying, “Look, look at that one!”

The movie isn’t scary at all, though it tries hard to be. There are a couple of jump scares. The ominous and tense atmosphere doesn’t build up gradually but is dumped on the viewer right from the start, as soon as the heroine’s fiancé sets off for the vampire’s castle. The music, shadows, and vampire all try so desperately to scare you that it just becomes tiring. Like, okay, we get it, the filthy bum is scary—enough already!

The film also lacks depth. There are no complex moral dilemmas; the plot is painfully classic and linear in the worst sense of those words. There aren’t any emotionally gripping characters to resonate with, no one to root for or empathize with—except maybe the cinematographer during scenes with Lily-Rose Depp. There’s no heart-wrenching drama, and certainly no love triangle—it’s impossible to care about what happens to the heroine, her fiancé, or the vampire. Let them live together as a threesome or all die for all I care. The movie’s emotional weight is about as heavy as dialogue from a porn, except porn dialogue is funny, whereas this movie isn’t—except for the mustache moments.

Overall, the film seems to aspire to be high art but could’ve worked better as a decent mid-tier horror-action flick with some chase or fight scenes thrown in. It’s not deep, scary, romantic, or dramatic. I honestly don’t know what it was. My brother and his friend liked the mustache, though I think that’s just some subconscious male desire to either sleep with Freddie Mercury or get dominated by a proper father figure.

I did enjoy the process of watching the movie and don’t regret the time spent. However, I feel like the 1922 Nosferatu holds greater value as a classic example of early cinema, offering a chance to immerse yourself in the atmosphere of that era and appreciate the technical achievements of the time.

As for vampire films, I’d recommend Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992), which has a very similar plot to the one reviewed today; Interview with the Vampire (1994), which isn’t about this at all but remains an immortal classic for many reasons; or even Twilight—at least they’re fun to watch.

For “weird” films, I recommend one of my favorites: The Seventh Seal. It’s a well-structured, artistically significant movie that grapples with timeless questions about the meaning of life. I adore Death from that movie—now that is what I call a true crush. Another favorite is Valerie and Her Week of Wonders—its characters are charming and textured, the whimsical, fairy-tale-like plot teeters on the edge of dream and reality, and the visuals are stunning. It’s a coming-of-age story told through metaphors and imagery.

Finally, in the context of vampires, I have to mention my beloved musical Dance of the Vampires. If you’ve had or have the chance to see it, congratulations—you’ve won at life. I’ve watched it multiple times in Saint Petersburg, and it left a huge impression on me. The live music, centered around Total Eclipse of the Heart, is incredible, accompanying a spectacular show filled with costumes, special effects, and an entire army of actors bringing to life the story of a girl’s love for a vampire count. The musical masterfully combines thrilling adventure, character-driven drama, and hilarious humor. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on stage, and I’ve seen a lot. I consider the Russian production of this musical to be the best, but in any case, I highly recommend looking it up in your language and finding videos or information about it.

And that’s all I’ve got!