Pussy, spread legs, some doggy, surprisingly no tits. Pls bu..

Pussy, spread legs, some doggy, surprisingly no tits.
Pls buy it because I spent all my money on pellets for the boiler.
My close friend has been wanting me to watch Hannibal for ages. I resisted for a long time because I had started watching it years ago but quickly gave up—I don’t even remember why. But she’s going through another wave of intense love for Hannibal (he’s like Melkor for me), so I finally gave in. Of course, I won’t tell her this, but oh my god, what an utterly degenerate piece of crap. I’m on episode 8 of the first season, and I’m absolutely floored by how dumb and boring it is.

I wasn’t expecting a delicate, masterful work of art with stunning acting like The Silence of the Lambs, but I did expect a decent, stylish detective series with intricate cases, deep and well-thought-out psychological portraits of the characters, and intense, sharp dynamics between the main leads. Instead, I got a fanfiction written by a 13-year-old obsessed with true crime, gay ships, pseudo-psychology, and excessive drama.

Jesus Christ, how can the dialogue be this stupid? The quotes sound like something a pretentious teenager would put as a social media status, and yet this is how all the characters talk. Instead of saying, “I shat in pants,” a character will say something like, “My gut was struck by an unseen yet sharply felt menace, my carelessness played a cruel trick on me, and a piquant reminder of Belgian chocolate, unbearably tainting the air, has desecrated my attire.” And that’s not an exaggeration; everyone talks like this—the cops, the patients, Hannibal himself.

And Hannibal? He’s just an absolute mess. I still don’t understand what he’s supposed to be—a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist, surgeon, or just some chef who bought a diploma in a back alley yesterday. I’m leaning toward the last one, though I suspect even the writers haven’t figured it out. He goes around with the same expression on his face, delivering painfully obvious observations in the convoluted style I just described.

For context: I come from a family of psychiatrists and a prosecutor-turned-lawyer. Watching these “deep” monologues had me looking like I’d just bitten into a lemon. It’s painfully obvious that the writers have never spoken to or consulted anyone in these professions. This is pure fantasy from someone ignorant and stupid, imagining psychiatrists as these edgy, spooky enigmas. And the way the psychiatrists in the show talk to each other? It’s like they’re cartoon villains plotting world domination.

Then there’s Will, the investigator—or whatever he’s supposed to be. What a joke. He solves cases using literal magic. The detective aspect of the series makes no sense at all because the protagonist is basically a psychic wizard. On top of that, he walks around like an idiot, trembling, rubbing his hands together, sitting there with this look on his face like he wet his pants. The writers labeled this Asperger’s syndrome, but it’s clear they didn’t even bother Googling what that actually is. Will is just a melodramatic attention-seeker with a flair for theatrics and melancholy. He draws attention to himself by constantly suffering. Oh, and did I mention he’s apparently a wizard or sorcerer or something?

Hannibal’s supposed “interest” in Will as a psychiatrist makes zero sense. There’s nothing unique or special about Will as a patient—psychiatrists deal with people like him by the dozen. The only reason their chemistry exists is that they’re both men, and the writers love a good slow-burn gay romance between boys who want to play with their magic wands.

The only genuinely good aspect of the series, which starts being decently explored around episode 7, is the theme of friendship between a patient and a doctor. It’s a raw, relevant, and emotional topic, and the dialogue in these scenes—for once—feels like it was written by someone who’s actually spoken to real humans. Oh, and the food in the show is amazing.

I have no idea who gave this series such high ratings. Probably kids, die-hard Mads Mikkelsen fans, and those same brain-dead monkeys who think Walter White is a sexy, righteous character and hate Skyler.

If you want to watch something good, go watch The Silence of the Lambs. That movie puts real effort into crafting meaningful interactions between the characters. And, oh my god, the diagnoses in the film actually match reality.

If you’re looking for a solid gay drama with attractive actors and a heartfelt, complex plot, Billy Herrington, Van Darkholme, and others deliver a far deeper emotional impact and demonstrate far superior acting skills.