Well friends, this past week was HARD! Honestly from the sec..

Well friends, this past week was HARD! Honestly from the second my kids left for their dad’s on the previous Friday things started getting difficult. Them being here only half the time is new as of a couple months ago, and I’m still adjusting. Actually, this Christmas will be the first time without my babies in 17 years!! I honestly have no idea how it’s going to go. On top of that, both Some Random Guy and me have struggles with anxiety and depression, and have for a long time. This is a large reason why we, independent of each other, sought out a more rural life, with less daily overstimulation from all the daily trauma, I’m not trying to be dramatic here, that comes with living in a city and being constantly connected online to all news all the time. I have had a stable subscription that I have used on and off since I was a teeen, but Some Random Guy has just been working toward getting help with his anxiety this fall. I think it’s hard for many men, even emotionally available and intelligent men, to seek help due to stigma, fear of judgment, and rejection, especially if they are anxious to start with. I’m so proud of him for asking for me, and medical professionals for help with this.

First he was on Lexapro, but that was a hard pass for both of us. He didn’t really notice the changes, but had suspicions, as did I, that it was greatly impacting his ability to enjoy sex, and ejaculate, while not really helping with any of the anxiety of normal life. These suspicious were confirmed the second he stopped taking it. The look of surprise, joy, and relief on his face when he finally came, and could truly feel it, was something to see. This has been a very hard journey for him. Looking back I noticed we barely filmed any sex while he was on it. We still had great sex during that time, but it was very one-sided. He barely ever came, and said he was fine with that, which I believed him. He’s never been selfish with sex, and if he ever cums first, which is rarely, he never stops until he knows I am fully, and completely taken care of (guys.. are you listening??? WINK). All that said I WANT him to have desires, and wants, and WANT him to take me, and fuck me anytime he wants. There is no reason he should have to go without the kind of orgasms his body and mind crave. I am his, fully, and want him to know that he can use me for his pleasure when he wants. That is the gift he gets for caring for, loving me, and keeping me safe. I don’t NEED a man to do those things, I can take care of myself, but there is something primal about knowing I can fall apart, and he will be there for me, and vice versa, and that just makes me want to give every ounce of myself to him, anytime he wants.

This week he started a new medication, Wellbutrin, and it has been rough. We also had a lot of emotionally draining conversations about connection, expectations, desire, and how we want our relationship to look. None of it was inherently bad, but between his new medication, general anxiety about fucking up every second of every day (Trauma is fun), me missing my kids, having to deal with stupid stuff with my ex, and deciding to send my youungest kid back to schoool as homeschoooling just wasn’t working for her… I was raw, low on capacity, and had little to give as well. On Wednesday we both basically walked away from our phones, and ignored everything that was outside of our home. I could focus here on how little we did, or how long I’ve taken to get back to all of you here, but I know that won’t change what happened, and will only bring bad feelings to the forefront, which is unnecessary. Also, we did end up accomplishing some things, and ultimately we are the only ones who get to decide if we did a good job or not, fuck what everyone else thinks (easier said than done though.. right?)

After taking the weekend off, and just loving, and kissing, and being together, we finally got a plan together to properly rebuild the pig shelter. It’s always so fun, and kind of silly, working in with the pigs. They are so curious, friendly, and love cuddles and pets just like doogs. Our pigs are KuneKune, and are known to be the most friendly. They were very grateful for their new home, though they did immediately start eating their bedding! Haha. We also forgot to take a photo of the final structure… oh well.

We continued to render off fat from previous pigs, and sheep from our property, as well as a bear a hunter in Maine gave me. The process is fairly simple, but time consuming, and slightly nauseating. First you grind up all the fat. One of my first big investments when I started my homesteading journey was my commercial grade grinder, and it has most definitely paid for itself! Once its ground up, on low heat in large pans you heat the fat until it all melts and the remaining bits float, essentially deep-frying, until all oil is removed. The bits are strained out, and then the fat can be used in lotions, lubes, cosmetic products, and soaps. If you are Mennonite, which I am not but I have spend a lot of time around them, you save the strained bits and fry them with eggs and other things for breakfast to get you through the cold dark winters. We now have about half a dozzen large pails of various types of lard and tallow, and have ordered 40lbs of sodium hydroxide, so you can expect some soap making updates at some point in the future.

We made a quick batch of sauerkraut as well, which should be ready in a few weeks, and yesterday, with the help of the kids (They came home Friday night) we processed around 20 of our new chickens that were not needed, as they were roosters. I really want to show you all how we slaughter, process, and prepare our chickens, but last time I shared anything close to this OnlyFans removed it and sent us a massive NO GORE notice, so you’ll just get to see a live chicken, and a cooked chicken, and have to fill in the gaps of how we made that happen.

Yesterday Some Random Guy had some major discomfort in his body, which had him bed ridden from 1pm until midnight. He ended up going to the hospital and the doctor thinks it may be related to his new medication. It’s definitely confusing, and concerning, but all his blooodwork came back perfect, so we shall keep monitoring. Being human is hard sometime.

To all my American friends here, I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving. We are having a holiday meal tonight, and it’s just about ready. My mom is here, and so are my kids, and Some Random Guy, so despite all the difficulty and pain this past week there is joy, there is hope, and there is always another day to do all that needs to be done.

With much love,

Willow.